Wedding Musings

My cousin got married yesterday. She was beautiful. The ceremony was blessedly short. And an atheist ceremony. So that was cool to see. Hard, too, though. Realizing that dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle or dance with me. There was family drama, of course. Considering the fact that my cousin had *all* of her other cousins involved in some way, even a small way... Except for my brother and I. It hurts because that's just... the ways it's always been in the family.

I made some decisions about my own (hypothetical, imaginary) wedding, though. That made me feel better. Whoever I marry will walk my mum down the aisle. Brother will officiate. God-Brother 1 (which I've been told isn't a word, but his mother is my God-Mother... so it makes sense...) is going to walk me down the aisle. (I figure if his father was alive he would be the one to do it.) The dance I haven't figured out yet. Looking for suggestions, Internet!

About a month ago, I told co-worker I had a wedding to go to. She was far more excited than I was. She helped me find a dress, then decided that at this wedding, I was going to get laid. So she helped me find a bra and panties at Frederick's. I looked good. I got my hair and make up done. Granted, I was still weighing 275, so there's only so much hair and make up can do. Everyone said I looked really pretty. I felt fairly confident. Didn't get laid.

When I get back, it's all about working out. I know. I've said it before, but this time I'm serious. I'm done almost topping out my scale. I'm done with my bras cutting into me. I'm fixing this.

I'm going to finish my schooling and get into something I enjoy.

I'm also going to write every day. At least one page.

So. Working out, schoolwork, and writing. That is going to be my life for the foreseeable future. And hopefully when I've lost some weight I'll be able to get to work on the getting laid thing.

Read Neil Gaiman's most recent book, The Ocean at the End of the Lane. It was amazing. So, so, so good.

Craigslist. School. BDSM. Sex Toys. Writing. Weight. Y'know. General Updates.

I find myself looking at Craigslist tonight. Mostly because I'm feeling lonely and figured it would make me feel better to know that others are too. But it really frustrates me that even the guys looking for gamer girls, or nerdy girls, and all they're interested in is someone with similar interests... all specify that they want someone with a good body, or slim. I can't even begin to qualify. Maybe as a BBW or curvy, but what if I'm too big for that even? If you specify a body type, it seems to me that you're not *just* interested in someone's mind and interests. I dunno. Maybe I'm just super self conscious right now.

I enrolled in an online college tonight. For an Early Childhood Education Undergrad Certificate. With that I could teach at a preschool, or run a daycare. That would be awesome. I should get my books in about a week and then I can finish it in as much as six months. It's all self paced, which is nice. Deadlines kill me.

And Craigslist is going away because I just saw one of our regular customers looking for young Friends With Benefits. No thank you.

Was on Craigslist in the first place because I'm still considering looking for a dominant guy here in town. But it's a lot of trust to place on someone I've never met. I don't think it's a good idea. I need to get into a relationship and explore it with someone I already trust.

New Coworker arrived since the last time I wrote. She used to sell sex toys. I keep wanting to work up the courage to ask her things, but I never will. I know that. But she's awesome. It's nice to have a fellow atheist at work. And she's a geek, who completely understands when I flip out over things. The kind of things everyone else just tunes me out when I talk about it.

My writing is suffering. I haven't written anything new... probably since before Dad died. I've written with the Englishman. That's kind of normal. But I absolutely can't even begin to write alone. But I will.

Neil Gaiman will be in Phoenix June 26. I'm totally going to try and go. I think it'll be awesome.

My weight is currently 270. I worked out with New Coworker yesterday. Used the elliptical machine. It kicked my ass. Thoroughly. I can barely walk today. But I'm going to keep it up! I will! And hopefully tomorrow evening I'll go do a yoga class. It'll be awesome.

In all, things are on an upward slope. Hopefully my weight is on a downward slope. I just need to stay positive and motivated.

Alone and Anonymous

Anonymity is a good thing, I think. I have these thoughts about a lifestyle and I want so badly to find someone to ask about them, but the idea of actually approaching anyone who could have answers terrifies me. So I send my questions out onto the internet where they may be read or not.

I find myself more and more curious about BDSM. I guess it might have been a kernel of an idea when I started fantasizing about older men and teachers and reading erotic stories about them. I always liked the ones with the man seducing the more innocent younger woman. The younger woman being the instigator and seductress never appealed to me much.

From there I found the stories with older professor punishing a female student failing his class. The idea scared me at first. But the more I read the more I began to feel every swat on the ass myself and it was exciting. I was so turned on by the strong, dominant man. Why couldn't I have that professor?

Then I found mind control and hypnosis. I'd always found those stories fun before. The brave heroine is controlled by the villain and made to do things she would otherwise never even consider. But I'd never really found them hot before. But as I started realizing I liked that dominant male, what better way to control your pet than to truly control her mind.

So I read, devoured all the erotic literature I could find. Even 50 Shades, as painful as it was. And the more I read the more I wanted it. It scares me a little, I'm not sure I could ever actually handle it. But the idea of it turns me on more than I like to admit.

So I found a place here in town that does Play Parties and a monthly munch. And they have a new member orientation and group. An hour of which is used for hands on activities. And I find myself *really* wanting to go. Really, really wanting to. But I'd be alone. And that's fine, really. But for the hands on activities I don't want to be sat on the side being awkward. It says you don't have to bring someone, so there would probably be others alone. But who would choose me to play with? I've hit 260 lbs. I'm hardly gorgeous. I probably wouldn't even fit in their restraints.

So I don't know what to do. Maybe if I focus on my weight loss, I can go when I'm skinny and comfortable with my body again. But that could be years and I want this now.

My other thought is that while I'm not emotionally ready for a real relationship and I really would just like to try this out. I know I have the tendency to get stupidly attached to people I know I can't have. And I don't think I could handle falling for someone playing my dom and have to live with the jealousy of his other subs. I loved reading about the mast and sub who are in a committed, loving relationship with their kink on the side. That's what I want, but I know I'm not really ready for it.

Anyway. Thinking about this has managed to just make me kind of depressed and lonely. I really just want companionship. Why has that become so hard to find? Is it because of my weight, my insecurities? Or just my introverted life?