Alone and Anonymous

Anonymity is a good thing, I think. I have these thoughts about a lifestyle and I want so badly to find someone to ask about them, but the idea of actually approaching anyone who could have answers terrifies me. So I send my questions out onto the internet where they may be read or not.

I find myself more and more curious about BDSM. I guess it might have been a kernel of an idea when I started fantasizing about older men and teachers and reading erotic stories about them. I always liked the ones with the man seducing the more innocent younger woman. The younger woman being the instigator and seductress never appealed to me much.

From there I found the stories with older professor punishing a female student failing his class. The idea scared me at first. But the more I read the more I began to feel every swat on the ass myself and it was exciting. I was so turned on by the strong, dominant man. Why couldn't I have that professor?

Then I found mind control and hypnosis. I'd always found those stories fun before. The brave heroine is controlled by the villain and made to do things she would otherwise never even consider. But I'd never really found them hot before. But as I started realizing I liked that dominant male, what better way to control your pet than to truly control her mind.

So I read, devoured all the erotic literature I could find. Even 50 Shades, as painful as it was. And the more I read the more I wanted it. It scares me a little, I'm not sure I could ever actually handle it. But the idea of it turns me on more than I like to admit.

So I found a place here in town that does Play Parties and a monthly munch. And they have a new member orientation and group. An hour of which is used for hands on activities. And I find myself *really* wanting to go. Really, really wanting to. But I'd be alone. And that's fine, really. But for the hands on activities I don't want to be sat on the side being awkward. It says you don't have to bring someone, so there would probably be others alone. But who would choose me to play with? I've hit 260 lbs. I'm hardly gorgeous. I probably wouldn't even fit in their restraints.

So I don't know what to do. Maybe if I focus on my weight loss, I can go when I'm skinny and comfortable with my body again. But that could be years and I want this now.

My other thought is that while I'm not emotionally ready for a real relationship and I really would just like to try this out. I know I have the tendency to get stupidly attached to people I know I can't have. And I don't think I could handle falling for someone playing my dom and have to live with the jealousy of his other subs. I loved reading about the mast and sub who are in a committed, loving relationship with their kink on the side. That's what I want, but I know I'm not really ready for it.

Anyway. Thinking about this has managed to just make me kind of depressed and lonely. I really just want companionship. Why has that become so hard to find? Is it because of my weight, my insecurities? Or just my introverted life?