Tuesday, September 24, 2013

New Job and Fireball Run

I started a new job last week. Well not new. Just a new location. The manager at the last place had been slowly stealing my soul. I'm sure of it. Siphoning off little pieces of it to make herself forever young. I don't think it worked. But I escaped! And so far the new place is... fantastic. I'm not coming home at night just hating the world. I'm not waking up in the morning, laying in bed wondering if my job could survive another day off "sick." I feel so much better already, I'm hoping things are only up from here.

I even feel like writing some again. Haven't done it yet...


So this week there's this really fantastic road rally... race... thing going on. I'm not sure what to call it exactly. It's called Fireball Run. (Website  Facebook  Twitter) There's 40 or so teams "racing" to get from Longmont, Co to Riverside, Ca stopping at several smaller towns along the way. Each team sponsors a missing child. Since this began they've actually raised the money to find, like, 30 kids or something. It's pretty amazing. The winner is decided on points. They gain points for spending money in the towns and completing missions in each town. They lose points for things like going over the speed limit. The winner gets bragging rights and the knowledge they've helped the economy in these small towns and, of course, raised money for the missing children.

Well today they are in MY hometown. Which is pretty amazing. Page is never involved in these national things. Which is too bad considering everything to do there. And everything that's been done there. All the movies and such. Seriously. Check out the list of movies. Very, very incomplete list. It's the most complete I could find, but not all of them by far. It's very dear to me because my dad helped on so many of them.

Anyway. Some of the drivers have been posting pictures to twitter. These were some of my favorites that I found.

Monday, July 29, 2013

BDSM Comic Thing

Found this Friday night. Been reading it. Been loving it. Encourages me to explore further in to BDSM in real life. If anyone knows any good forums for someone just starting, leave a comment.


Friday, July 5, 2013

Writing! Excited about Wirting!

So! Since dad's death I have written absolutely nothing of my own. I've done little things. Outlines, character pages. But nothing serious. But now? Now I can show you, internet, what I wrote tonight in the last three or four hours. THREE THOUSAND WORDS. Holy shit. That's a first chapter right there! That's damn impressive,  I don't care what anyone says!

I stared at a blank document for nearly an hour before actually doing things. I kept trying to talk myself out of it. "No, I'm not in a good mindset tonight. It'll be shit." "No, I'm not ready. It'll be shit." "I'm not sure where exactly I want to go with it. It'll be shit." Getting a theme here? But I did it! And I'm so glad I did. It feels good!

So here you are, internet. Hopefully there's someone out there to read it who will actually see that I wrote it. Because holy shit! I wrote!


Eden slammed her hands on the steering wheel. She been driving for two days. She’d stopped once at some little place in Utah last night just to sleep for a couple hours. Now she was in the middle of nowhere surrounded by the definition of rolling hills. Beautiful scenery, tall pale grass and emerald green trees as for as the eye could see. Or at least it would be beautiful if she wasn’t stranded. It seemed to taint everything.

She slammed her hands on the steering wheel again. And once more for good measure. The car had just stopped, made a few little spluttering noises and chugged to a stop. The old station wagon, Clara her dad called it, managed to get her this far. From L.A. to Wyoming. Middle of nowhere Wyoming. She had to ask for directions in Livingston to a little town called Millhope. Then she stopped at a diner there in Millhope and a sweet lady named Annie gave her directions out to Hart Stone Ranch.

They’d been simple directions. Take River Road west out of town then turn right at the unmarked dirt road past the burnt tree stump. She took the right turn, but Annie had told her it would take about twenty minutes. She’d been driving on the dirt road for half an hour, the trees on each side just getting thicker. No ranch in sight.

After stewing in the car for a few more minutes, she finally climbed out. Immediately the wind assaulted her, slamming her door shut again for her. She checked the door and had to bite her lower lip hard to keep in a loud curse when she found it was locked. With her keys in the cup holder.

She rubbed at her eyes as the wind whipped her dark hair around her face. She wouldn’t cry. She refused to cry. She looked both ways down the road. According to Annie the ranch couldn’t be too much further down the road. And the other direction was a half hour drive back to the main road. Groaning she pulled her long hair into a quick bun and started down the street.

She’d been walking for only about ten minutes when she heard the rumble coming down the road. She stopped and turned to watch an old yellow truck bounce its way down the pitted road. The driver pulled to a stop beside her and leaned way over to roll down the window. The man inside was young and blonde, a brown well-worn Stetson perched on his head. A little rough around the edges, well built, shaggy and stubbly. Just the kind of guy her friend Bettina would go for.

“Hey,” he called, resting against the steering wheel. “That your station wagon back a ways?”

“Yeah. Broke down,” she replied, trudging over to hold herself up on the truck. She was grateful for the wind block if nothing else.

“Are you lost?”

She laughed. “God, I hope not. I’m trying to get to the Hart Stone Ranch? Please tell me I’m going the right way.”

The driver stared at her a moment, looking confused. Come to think of it, Annie at the diner had given her that same look. “You’re headed the right way,” he finally said. “But why you headed out there?”

“I got a job working for Mrs. Molly Porter.”

“Oh! I heard Miss Molly mention she’d convinced Gideon to let her hire some help for the summer.” He leaned over to push open the door, making her realize there was no handle on the outside. “C’mon. I’ll give you a ride. We’ll get your things and I’ll send Jim back to see to the car.”

“Thank you,” she said emphatically as she climbed in. “But I locked my keys in the car as well.”

“Just not your day, is it?” He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “Well, if you can do without for a couple hours, I’m sure Jim can see to bringing your stuff up as well.”

“That’d be great. You are my hero,” she gushed.

“It’s no problem. I’m Cody Stone,” he said, offering his hand and a charming smile.

“Eden Dale.” She returned the smile and slid her slender hand into his for a firm shake.

“Are you from Montana, Eden?” he asked as he put the truck back into gear and started down the road.

“No, I’ve never even been out here. I’m from L.A.”

He barked out a surprised laugh. “What are you doing out here? I thought city folk normally, y’know, stayed in the city.”

“Normally I’d agree,” she said with a smirk. “I guess I just got sick of people. Everywhere. I wanted a new start in the middle of nowhere.”

“Well you’ve succeeded.”

He only drove a couple minutes longer before the trees seemed to just magically open up to reveal a wide expanse of land. To the right an old, but well kept ranch house. Three stories tall with a porch that wrapped all the way around. Potted plants lined the railing and hung from the awning giving the otherwise plain exterior and bright and colourful appeal.

To the left was a large barn and a wide open expanse where a few men were working with two large horses. Beautiful dark horses with shining coats. There was activity all around. She counted at least a dozen men milling around, carrying heavy sacks or leading horses. Each one seemed burlier than the last. The men she was used to being surrounded by were much leaner than this. And far less intimidating.

Cody drove the truck under a tall wooden arch, the words Hart Stone carved expertly down each side. He continued down the drive that ran between the house and the barn and pulled around behind the house. There were several more vehicles around here. Mostly trucks not so different from Cody’s, a few smaller cars, one yellow bug, and one incredibly expensive looking, cherry red convertible.

Behind the house she could see another smaller house that, if she had to guess, was for the workers. Hopefully she’d get a tour. She could see a few other buildings further away. The whole place was framed by wide open land, those same beautiful, rolling hills and green trees. She was glad she could finally enjoy them for a moment.

She had gotten so distracted by the surroundings she actually jumped when Cody opened her door for her. He chuckled and held his hand out to help her down. Suddenly a thought occurred to her.

“Wait, Cody Stone? As in Hart Stone?”

“Yeah, Gideon’s my cousin. My uncle, his dad, owned the place before him. And our grandfather before him. Hart came from grandma, Stone came from granddad.”

He led her over through screened area of the porch. Jasmine plants climbed up the railing here and hit her senses strong. There was a little swing and she noticed a children’s book left open on the ground. Cody scooped it up as they went inside directly into the kitchen. The smell of jasmine gave way to what could only be biscuits and gravy. And the best smelling biscuits and gravy Eden had ever encountered.

The kitchen was large, at least the size of Eden’s old apartment. A large island sat in the center surrounded by a dozen bar stools. The appliances were all high end, except the old gas stove.

“Miss Molly?” he called into the house.

“Quit hollering, Cody,” came a woman’s voice with a lilting southern accent that Eden found happily familiar.

As she came around the corner it struck Eden that she would have known this woman even if they’d met on the street. She was the spitting image of her sister, Meg. Short, even a little shorter than Eden herself, a little round, especially her face. With a pile of salt and pepper hair knotted atop her head. Big green eyes that smiled with a merry mischief that made her seem so much younger than she was.

“And take your hat off in my house,” she said sternly, though a smile tugged at her lips.

He did it immediately. “Sorry, Miss Molly.”

She turned those green eyes to Eden and smiled even wider. “And you must be little Edie Dale. I haven’t seen you since you were a teenager, but damned if you haven’t changed a bit.”

She pulled Eden into a tight hug that she was only too happy to accept. “Hi Mrs. Porter.”

“Call me Molly, dear. Or Miss Molly like the boys do.” She stepped back and put her hands on her hips. “God, you’re thin. But that’s to be expected. Meg told me not to expect you until next week.”

Meg Shields had been her ballet teacher and very dear friend as far back as Eden could remember. She’d saved her life in more ways than one throughout the years. Molly used to visit twice a year for both of Meg’s big performances. Eden had always spent more time with them than at her own home. And Meg her family had always welcomed her with open arms. Even more so after Meg found out about…

Eden shook her head and gave Molly a bright, practiced smile. “I wanted to get out here as soon as possible. Needed to.”

Molly’s smile turned a little sympathetic and she patted Eden’s hand. “But where are your things, dear?”

“In my car,” she groaned. “It broke down a ways back and I locked my keys in. Cody just happened to be driving by and offered me a lift.”

“I told her I’d send Jim back for the car?”

“Oh, of course. He’s upstairs working on Lilah’s birthday present.”

Cody nodded and turned back to Eden. He gave her a big, sweeping bow laughing as he did. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Eden Dale. I shall tend to your steed immediately.”

“Oh get out of here you ham.” Molly said, shooing him away. He gave them a wave and hurried away. “He’s a harmless charmer. Well, let me show you around.”

Without another thought she led her through the house. There was the kitchen of course, then off to the right through a swinging door was the dining room. Straight ahead from the back door, under a large archway was a living room. Large windows on two walls gave the room a bright feel, despite the dark leather furniture. It looked well lived in, the cushions of the couch sagged just a bit to look soft and comfortable, and there was an obvious mark on the footstool in front of the chair where someone had propped their muddy boots a few too many times. A coffee table sat in the middle of the room also bore the scuffs of boots along the edges. There was a record player and stereo along one wall and a large television mounted across from the couch.

Molly led her upstairs to the second floor, showing her where she slept then a few doors down Eden’s own room. It was simple. A single bed against the wall, a desk and dresser and small closet. A small bathroom was attached, and for that Eden was incredibly grateful. Even more so when she saw the clawfoot tub.

“The third floor is where Gideon and Lilah’s rooms are. We don’t need to worry about cleaning up after them. Gideon’s always been good about cleaning up after himself and insists Lilah learns the same.”

“Lilah’s his daughter?” Eden asked for clarification.

“His niece, but her mother’s passed and her father is out of the picture. Gideon is raising her as her own,” she explained.

“How old is she?”

“Five. A little darling. You’ll love her.”

“And Gideon’s wife?”

“Oh Gideon’s not married, dear,” she said with a laugh, like the idea was preposterous.

She led her back down to the kitchen and began explaining what her daily duties would be. She’d wake up well before dawn Monday through Saturday and help with breakfast for Gideon and all the workers. Then lunch and dinner. Saturdays, the boys got off early and were expected to find their own food, so she only had to worry about dinner for Gideon, Lilah, Molly and herself. In between meals they kept the first and second floor of the ranch house clean, Gideon saw clients here and often times he and some of the boys would play poker or watch a game after work. Thursday was laundry day, she was expected to have the workers laundry done by the end of the day. Sundays she was free to do whatever she pleased.

And for this she would make fifteen dollars an hour, ten hours a day, and would have free room and board. Honestly it sounded like a dream come true to Eden. Hard work she could just throw herself into and not think about what had driven her out here.

“Great. Now I’m just about to serve lunch if you’d like to help? Then I’ll handle dinner so you can get settled.”

“That sounds great,” Eden said, suddenly hugging the woman again. “Thank you so much for this opportunity.”

“It’s not a problem at all, Edie,” Molly promised her. “When Meg told me about your troubles, well, you know Meg. She hardly gets emotional. But she was crying that there was nothing she could do. You’re like a daughter to her. That makes you a niece to me. So I know exactly how to help.”

Eden smiled at her. “Thank you,” she said again.

They were just about to call the workers in for lunch when Molly spoke again. “I have a secret.”

“A secret?” Eden asked with a light frown.

“Yes. A secret,” she glanced around, making sure there were no prying ears. “I’ve told Gideon I’m bringing you out to help this summer since he’s hired extra men for the season.” Eden nodded her understanding and Molly hesitated another moment. “But in truth I’m hoping you’ll be able to catch on well enough to do it yourself by fall.”

“What about you?”

“I’m hardly as young as I once was and keeping up after these kids is doing me in. No, come this fall I’m going to retire. I’m hoping you’ll be able to take my place.”

Eden wasn’t sure how to feel about that. She hadn’t planned on this being a permanent move. Just something to help her recover and get back on her feet. But she smiled at Molly. “I’m flattered. Thank you.”

“Now, if you’d like to ring the bell, I’m sure the boys will all be thrilled to meet you. Beyond thrilled, really. I hope you’re up for some pretty intense charms.”

“I think I can hold my own,” she said heading out to where the bell hung.

No sooner than five minutes after she rang the bell did men start pouring in. Each one greeted Molly with a nod and smile as they removed their hats. Then they would noticed her, standing slightly behind Molly.

First she met Jaime and Kyle, brothers from Elliston. Some of the new crop of ranch hands Molly had mentioned. They both had big brown eyes and dark hair. They were only a few years apart, but looked enough alike that they could have been twins. She’d just have to remember that Jaime had the birthmark on his forehead and temple, a dark mark that looked almost like a kiss.

Cody came in next and introduced her to his brother Mark and their childhood friend Mitchell. It sounded like they’d all grown up on the ranch. Mark had dark hair, but the same charming smile and dark eyes as his brother. Mitchell was a red head covered in freckles from head to toe. And shy as shy could be.

The net several men all came in together and blurred together almost immediately. She’d never remember all these names. There was Adam, Joe, Sam, and Dave. And Michael, maybe? She’d have to ask Molly later.

“Normally Jim would have lunch as well,” Molly told her as she made a plate and set it aside. “But since he’s taking care of your car, I’ll just save this for him.” There was a tenderness in how she spoke of Jim that made Eden smile.

The barstools had seemed comfortably spaced around the large island a moment ago, now the ranchers sat shoulder to shoulder. There were two seats left around the table, one between the others, the last sat further away with a larger amount of space left for whoever sat there. She had to imagine that one was for Gideon, the owner. It seemed that even when he wasn’t there, he commanded the men’s respect.

He came in from the main part of the house. He certainly hadn’t been working with his men all day. She supposed the owner of the ranch would have other business matters to attend to. She found herself staring at him and was honestly embarrassed. He was a big man, broad chest, all muscles. He was, without a doubt, the kind of man people called a bear of a man. He wore a plaid shirt, the sleeves rolled up his forearms and a pair of jeans that fit him in just the right way that any woman would find herself staring. (At least that’s what she told herself. It would be any woman. Not just her.) He had black hair, with a few stray gray hairs here and there. A scruffy beard showed even more gray, but underneath, his face still looked youthful. A pair of crystal clear blue eyes locked onto her and she found herself speechless. 

Then those eyes narrowed in anger and she was speechless for a whole different reason. The handsome bear of a man suddenly seemed dangerous. She suddenly had an inkling of why everyone seemed surprised she was coming here. He didn’t look happy to see her.

“Who are you?”

Friday, June 21, 2013

Wedding Musings

My cousin got married yesterday. She was beautiful. The ceremony was blessedly short. And an atheist ceremony. So that was cool to see. Hard, too, though. Realizing that dad won't be there to walk me down the aisle or dance with me. There was family drama, of course. Considering the fact that my cousin had *all* of her other cousins involved in some way, even a small way... Except for my brother and I. It hurts because that's just... the ways it's always been in the family.

I made some decisions about my own (hypothetical, imaginary) wedding, though. That made me feel better. Whoever I marry will walk my mum down the aisle. Brother will officiate. God-Brother 1 (which I've been told isn't a word, but his mother is my God-Mother... so it makes sense...) is going to walk me down the aisle. (I figure if his father was alive he would be the one to do it.) The dance I haven't figured out yet. Looking for suggestions, Internet!

About a month ago, I told co-worker I had a wedding to go to. She was far more excited than I was. She helped me find a dress, then decided that at this wedding, I was going to get laid. So she helped me find a bra and panties at Frederick's. I looked good. I got my hair and make up done. Granted, I was still weighing 275, so there's only so much hair and make up can do. Everyone said I looked really pretty. I felt fairly confident. Didn't get laid.

When I get back, it's all about working out. I know. I've said it before, but this time I'm serious. I'm done almost topping out my scale. I'm done with my bras cutting into me. I'm fixing this.

I'm going to finish my schooling and get into something I enjoy.

I'm also going to write every day. At least one page.

So. Working out, schoolwork, and writing. That is going to be my life for the foreseeable future. And hopefully when I've lost some weight I'll be able to get to work on the getting laid thing.

Read Neil Gaiman's most recent book, The Ocean at the End of the Lane. It was amazing. So, so, so good.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Craigslist. School. BDSM. Sex Toys. Writing. Weight. Y'know. General Updates.

I find myself looking at Craigslist tonight. Mostly because I'm feeling lonely and figured it would make me feel better to know that others are too. But it really frustrates me that even the guys looking for gamer girls, or nerdy girls, and all they're interested in is someone with similar interests... all specify that they want someone with a good body, or slim. I can't even begin to qualify. Maybe as a BBW or curvy, but what if I'm too big for that even? If you specify a body type, it seems to me that you're not *just* interested in someone's mind and interests. I dunno. Maybe I'm just super self conscious right now.

I enrolled in an online college tonight. For an Early Childhood Education Undergrad Certificate. With that I could teach at a preschool, or run a daycare. That would be awesome. I should get my books in about a week and then I can finish it in as much as six months. It's all self paced, which is nice. Deadlines kill me.

And Craigslist is going away because I just saw one of our regular customers looking for young Friends With Benefits. No thank you.

Was on Craigslist in the first place because I'm still considering looking for a dominant guy here in town. But it's a lot of trust to place on someone I've never met. I don't think it's a good idea. I need to get into a relationship and explore it with someone I already trust.

New Coworker arrived since the last time I wrote. She used to sell sex toys. I keep wanting to work up the courage to ask her things, but I never will. I know that. But she's awesome. It's nice to have a fellow atheist at work. And she's a geek, who completely understands when I flip out over things. The kind of things everyone else just tunes me out when I talk about it.

My writing is suffering. I haven't written anything new... probably since before Dad died. I've written with the Englishman. That's kind of normal. But I absolutely can't even begin to write alone. But I will.

Neil Gaiman will be in Phoenix June 26. I'm totally going to try and go. I think it'll be awesome.

My weight is currently 270. I worked out with New Coworker yesterday. Used the elliptical machine. It kicked my ass. Thoroughly. I can barely walk today. But I'm going to keep it up! I will! And hopefully tomorrow evening I'll go do a yoga class. It'll be awesome.

In all, things are on an upward slope. Hopefully my weight is on a downward slope. I just need to stay positive and motivated.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

Alone and Anonymous

Anonymity is a good thing, I think. I have these thoughts about a lifestyle and I want so badly to find someone to ask about them, but the idea of actually approaching anyone who could have answers terrifies me. So I send my questions out onto the internet where they may be read or not.

I find myself more and more curious about BDSM. I guess it might have been a kernel of an idea when I started fantasizing about older men and teachers and reading erotic stories about them. I always liked the ones with the man seducing the more innocent younger woman. The younger woman being the instigator and seductress never appealed to me much.

From there I found the stories with older professor punishing a female student failing his class. The idea scared me at first. But the more I read the more I began to feel every swat on the ass myself and it was exciting. I was so turned on by the strong, dominant man. Why couldn't I have that professor?

Then I found mind control and hypnosis. I'd always found those stories fun before. The brave heroine is controlled by the villain and made to do things she would otherwise never even consider. But I'd never really found them hot before. But as I started realizing I liked that dominant male, what better way to control your pet than to truly control her mind.

So I read, devoured all the erotic literature I could find. Even 50 Shades, as painful as it was. And the more I read the more I wanted it. It scares me a little, I'm not sure I could ever actually handle it. But the idea of it turns me on more than I like to admit.

So I found a place here in town that does Play Parties and a monthly munch. And they have a new member orientation and group. An hour of which is used for hands on activities. And I find myself *really* wanting to go. Really, really wanting to. But I'd be alone. And that's fine, really. But for the hands on activities I don't want to be sat on the side being awkward. It says you don't have to bring someone, so there would probably be others alone. But who would choose me to play with? I've hit 260 lbs. I'm hardly gorgeous. I probably wouldn't even fit in their restraints.

So I don't know what to do. Maybe if I focus on my weight loss, I can go when I'm skinny and comfortable with my body again. But that could be years and I want this now.

My other thought is that while I'm not emotionally ready for a real relationship and I really would just like to try this out. I know I have the tendency to get stupidly attached to people I know I can't have. And I don't think I could handle falling for someone playing my dom and have to live with the jealousy of his other subs. I loved reading about the mast and sub who are in a committed, loving relationship with their kink on the side. That's what I want, but I know I'm not really ready for it.

Anyway. Thinking about this has managed to just make me kind of depressed and lonely. I really just want companionship. Why has that become so hard to find? Is it because of my weight, my insecurities? Or just my introverted life?

Sunday, November 4, 2012


My dad died October 8th. How surreal is that? The last time I talked to him I called because I'd just seen a video of Bob Fosse in The Little Prince and realized Michael Jackson had stolen his moves. So much for any respect I had for him as an innovative dancer. But, I mean, how stupid is that? I always called to tell him stupid things like that. Any problems or more serious thoughts, I called mum because Dad was kind of homophobic and far too republican to understand. Of course that didn't always work out either as Mum is quite religious and I'm ... not. Christianity has too many plot holes and inconsistencies for me to go along with it blindly.

But I do believe in an afterlife. And that helps a little bit. Knowing how many people, loved and admired Dad helps. But everything is getting harder. Going to work and dealing with people. Talking to people. Even my family. Even the Brit. I just can't. I just want to curl up and hide, but I can't do that either. No one seems to want to allow it. They'd all get too worried.

I find myself mad about stupid things. Like the fact that every Youtube video has a political ad before it and it's all anyone can talk about. I just can't make myself care anymore. A client walked up to us yesterday and said, "I just heard beautiful news. Romney's gonna win." And I wanted to respond with, "Fuck Romney. Fuck Obama. Fuck you." No matter which president wins they're not going to bring back Dad. Or invent time travel. They can't even fix the stuff that's *not* impossible. It's all pointless now.

And this eighty-year-old guy yesterday felt the need to tell us about how his doctor gave him a clean bill of health and he'll probably live to be one hundred. Why is that fair? Why does he get to live when Dad's gone? That's such bullshit. And the guy is a complete dick and a letch. How is that fair?

I guess this is probably the anger stage of grief? But I think I was supposed to experience something else first. They say the stages don't actually come in any specific order and may take god knows how long. I'm not sure I ever want to get to acceptance. I'm not sure this is something I want to accept.

I'm trying to write. I'm trying Nanowrimo again. I have the start of an outline for a paranormal romance book. Haven't actually written anything. Actually, that's not true. That bit I posted about Juliette was kind of the jumping off point. Though it's changed since then. I meant to write today. I don't feel like it anymore. At least not that. The Brit and I are writing. But we're doing characters I don't really like so it almost feels like a chore. I didn't want to do this scene from her perspective, I wanted to do it elsewhere, but he's so stuck on his character that whenever she comes up I know I'm not going to get to do my stuff.

I've told him I don't want to talk about Dad, but he doesn't understand that it also means I can't deal with his problems either. I just can't deal with anything. And somehow I'm watching PS I Love You. It's a great movie. And I love Gerard Butler. But watching a movie about a man's death and his wife dealing with it is probably not my best move. Or maybe it is. Who knows.

And now I've run out of things to ramble about I think. I think I'll just curl up in a hole somewhere. A dark, deep hole.